Wednesday, March 17, 2010


So I think we can all agree that my weird phobia of email has been well documented. As has my unfortunate addiction to starting new email accounts. Well, it looks like the Electronic Mail Karma Fairy has finally decided to do something about it. I'm in the middle of finals this week, as of today I just have one little paper standing in my way. But last night I was in the full throes of so many assignments I thought my face was going to melt like the Nazis from Indiana Jones. At about 11:30 PM last night, I checked my old UCLA account needing for some reason some information I thought might be in an email there. At which point I finally received the many notifications that had been piling up in my inbox that my email address was about to be terminated. On March 17th. Today. And that's how I ended up spending a frantic thirty minutes trying to back up all of my old emails. Keep in mind that there were over 2000. IN THE INBOX!!! This may seem ironic from a girl who does everything she can to avoid email, but there among the stress inducing professor emails and bank notifications were many treasures that I was unwilling to give up. I stumbled upon one particular email that I had written to my cousin Crystal back in 2006 that struck me as wildly funny given my current situation. I give to you here, misspellings, grammar mistakes and all:

Dear Crystal,

After careful thought and deep reflection, or at least carefully thinking about the possibility of deep reflection, I have decided to become a workaholic. I thought it best I inform you of this personally as I find this to be extremely life affirming. Workaholism seems like the best and easiest way to pay off my student loans that doesn't involve knocking off a gas station or preying on a recently widowed count with lots and lots of family money. Aslo, from what I can assertain from mainstream media, workaholics = adorable suits. I assume this will eventually put me in a position for a corporate takeover of some kind from which I will gain access to skull and bones type organization where we'll all wear formal attire (also adorable)and bungee jump off buildings. Once I've established myself as a corporate head hunter and recieved my commemorative if ethnically stereotypical spear, I'll have a mid-life crisis and marry a recently widowed count who just has lots and lots of family. I get lonely. Oh you may have your doubts..."Are you sure?" you might be asking right now, with a measure of tenative concern in your voice. The answer dear cousin, yes. I am sure. I can see your face now, disbelief, worry,anxiety,
apprehension, alarm, unease, trepidation, concern, amusment, laughter,enjoyment, delight, glee, hilarity, distraction, annoyance, irritation,anger, rage, fury, vengance, boredom, hunger...somewhere among these adjectives there is probably at least one word that fits your face right now. Unless its a poker face. Is it? What do you have?Cowboys? Sailboats? POCKET ACES??? STOP WATCHING CELEBRITY POKER SHOWDOWN HANNAH! OKAY! AND ALSO STOP HAVING CONVERSATIONS WITH YOURSELF MID EMAIL!!!! OK...ay. Hi Crystal. How are you? Was I saying something? Oh yes. I'm going to be a workaholic. Or a ninja.

---Countess Hannah McBeal, dragonslayer.

I love how back then I was thought I would be paying off my student loans. Wasn't I just the cutest? Also I feel it important to tell you that the original email was written in purple font. FOR WHAT REASON? I have no idea. Never in my life have I sent an email with anything but respectable black type. At least never in my life since I was fifteen. These are the things that keep me up at night. That and the workahol.


Crystal said...

Have I ever told you how much I have loved being your email correspondent through the years. I FREAKING LOVE YOU!!!!

Maria said...

Hannah Banana- Loved the post by the way. And guess who I met? My neighbor and someone in your ward...Guy (insert last name here). But I'm assuming there aren't too many guys named Guy in your singles ward. He parks in the spot next to us and we've said hi to him before, but we've never really chatted. I figured out that he knew you - he said you gave a sacrament talk that had everyone rolling a couple of weeks ago... Wish I had been there. And remember that we are supposed to hang out?

Sarah said...

LOL. I just came across your blog yesterday and I LOVE it. I'm especially a fan of the email to Crystal. My best friend friend from college waits for emails like this from me. He calls them the "I need entertainment" emails. I definitely will continue to follow the blog! :)