Soon I will

Clean my kitchen

Cook dinner

Take my dog for a walk

Apply for yet another job, in my neverending search

Curl my hair

Start wearing bras again

Write a novel

Write a better novel

Take a sewing class

Buy a sewing machine

Eat Paleo for a month

Start excercising

Begin waking up at a reasonable hour

Make meal plans and stick to them

Buy a plane ticket to a foreign country

Start wearing better shoes

Stop looking a Pinterest every five minutes

Take pictures of my house and post them on the internet

Buy pumpkins to put on my front porch

Try making a slip cover for my couch

Clean the dog poop off my back patio

Make new friends

Call my Mom

Update my facebook

Wax my ladystache

Stop saying ladystache, cause gross

Buy a new GPS to replace my poor stolen Daniel

Hang the pictures in the Study

Stop pretentiously calling our extra room the Study

Nevermind, no I won’t

That part is awesome the end.

The Honeymoon Chronicles: Trees of Mystery Edition.

The drive up to Washington was relatively quiet after our great freeway adventure. We did manage to have a few adventures, though...Including driving along and suddenly passing a giant statue of Paul Bunyan. Let me repeat that for you: A. Giant. Statue. Paul. Bunyan. PAUL BUNYAN! Perhaps you knew that this existed, but we were not aware. We were just driving through Kalamath minding our bidness, when BAM! PAUL EFFING BUNYAN!

Hmm? Just a couple of bros hangin.

Hmm? Just a couple of babes hangin...haha. Heh. Shut up.

One of the best parts is that Paul Bunyan was full on animatronic. His hand would wave at you, and there was a guy doing the voice, so yeah, I've full on talked with Paul Bunyan. I talked to Babe the Blue Ox too, but he was less chatty.

Afterwords we drove through the Trees of Mystery and drove through the famous hollow tree. And look, if that isn't a little piece of honeymoon Americana, I don't know what is.

If you were wondering, yes. It was very difficult fitting the Clampett Mobile through the tree. But we did it!

Stay tuned next time when we steal from the National Steinbeck Center!

I Command You to Read This/(these) Book(s)

Internet, I would like to discuss a book. Specifically this book: "Okay for Now" by Gary Schmidt. But here's the tricky part, I want to discuss the end of the book, and I have a strict no spoiler policy, so I don't feel like we can discuss it right now, because I would like you to go read it first. But here is the other tricky part: I feel like before you can read the book, you have to go read this book: "The Wednesday Wars", which is the companion book to "Okay for Now", and while they can each be read as stand alones, and there aren't major spoilers, I also have strong feelings about books being read chronologically. Like, sometimes I have people tell me that I don't have to read a series in a particular order (mystery series for example), and I have to do my best not to give a withering glare, because YESTHEYDOHAVETOBEREADINORDER, but that's a little rude, and also apparently you aren't supposed to impose your values on other people even if you are right and they are wrong amen. Here is the third tricky part, I am not even supposed to be writing this post at all, because I promised Nano that the next post I wrote would include pictures of my apartment! You can see that I'm kind of in a pickle.

So here is my proposed solution: I will give you all two weeks to read the two books I want you to read. (They are both fairly quick reads, I promise!) And then we'll all meet back here, say September 6th? And then we'll discuss the book, and I'll get spoilery in my post, but I'll also do the thing where you have to click a link to view the post so people who don't want to read it don't have to. Or maybe that's too demanding. Should we give it a whole month? Ok: so your assignment is to read the two books, and also comment and tell me if you want two weeks, or a month to do so.

Also, this isn't mandatory, unless you are Lauren, Liz, Liz, Liz, Amanda, Emily, Julie, or actually, anyone related to me at all. And also, just because I didn't list your name doesn't mean it's not mandatory for you too, it's just that I started running out of steam, and not everyone has a blog anymore, TIFFANY. So just assume if you are reading this, you have to do what I tell you. I mean, you are invited to the book discussion. It's also mandatory for Rachel, but actually she already read these books, and in fact I read them because of her. Maybe you did too! That would make this a lot easier. You can read her reviews here and here, because she does a lovely job of showing why the books are wonderful without telling the whole story.

Also, I will post pictures of my apartment tomorrow Nano, I promise!

The Cake Before Time

In my many many internet forays during wedding planning, I came across a picture of felt dinosaur cake toppers. There are a lot of things about that sentence that make me really excited even now. I'm going to write it again with emphasis on the best words:
"I came across a picture felt dinosaur cake toppers."
As you can see, cake is the best part, but dinosaur and felt come right behind. My love of the amazing work of Rachel Knecht, felter extrotinaire is well documented. I love nothing better than commissioning felt creations to my own personal Da Vinci. This time she truly outdid herself.

COULD YOU JUST DIE??? They are--and I say this without bias--the greatest cake toppers that ever existed in this land or any other land ever.

Notice the bow tie. Super fans will recognize this as the fabric that lines my Spock computer case.

Check out the veil. And the necklace! She made dinosaur me a pearl necklace. Oh Rachel. You get me. You really get me.

And the glasses. She even added felt square frame glasses. PERFECTION.


Elliot, our above averagely cute ring bearer and fellow dinosaur enthusiast was duly impressed.
Elliot: There's dinosaurs on that cake!
Me (proudly): Yup.
Elliot: It's a stegosaurus and a long neck!
Me: Well, yeah. Close enough.


Elliot (pointing): That's you?
Me: Yup.
Elliot: And that's Alex?
Me: Uh huh!
Elliot: *thinks* Hey! I think it's time to eat this cake!

Kid...this might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Needless to say the dinosaurs were a huge hit. People kept telling us things like, "it's so great because your kids will be able to play with them!" And Alex and I would exchange glances and say: "Yes. Our kids..."

Thank you so much Rachel...I adore them and I adore you!

*Pictures by our amazingly talented photographer, Marcello Ambriz.

The Honeymoon Chronicles

On my first day of being married, I woke up at the Sheraton in Pomona with my new husband. (We are high rollers you see.) We were supposed to finish loading the truck and head up to Santa Barbara that night. Alex wondered aloud if perhaps we should stay another night, to avoid feeling rushed. I told him we'd be fine, and we should just try and get on the road. Well ok, he said, but we're supposed to check out in twenty minutes. We decided to stay another day after all.

On my second day of being married, we loaded up our honeymoon truck Clampett style, and headed off to Santa Barbara in the early evening.

Honeymoon Truck as Decorated by Jordin and Casey.

We were driving happily on the 10 (a major freeway in California) and got to the place where it merges with the 5 (another major freeway), when I heard a loud thunk.

Alex: "Oh [censored]!"
Hannah: "What did we lose?"
Alex: "Everything."
Hannah: "What do you mean 'everything'?"
Alex: "Absolutely everything."

At this point he had pulled into the median and put the truck in park. By the time I was out of the cab he was already sprinting down the freeway. The wind had gotten under the tarp that covered the sum total of our lives, and ripped the wooden frame from the truck. The frame sat 300 feet behind us, while boxes were scattered all over the freeway. Alex was already pulling things out of the road, and I ran to join him. We cleared everything we could, everynow and then I would see one of my shoes, or one of Alex's books from boxes that had split open and couldn't be salvaged. When the road was mostly clear, the traffic that had stopped to avoid hitting us (never say Los Angeles drivers aren't considerate!) started again, and we stood for a moment listening to the crunch of pill bottles and cd cases we had left behind. We stood by the truck and I thought to myself: "Welp, this is it. I guess we live here now." At the very least we would have to stay one more night. I wondered who we should call in a situation like this...the police? The highway patrol? My mom? Could this be--after a lifetime of waiting--my chance at last to use a call box? No, I had a cell phone, I could just use that. Discouraged by this last thought, I turned to ask Alex what he thought we should do. He had dissapeared down the freeway, where he pulling the wooden frame towards me. What are we supposed to do with that? I wondered. Apparently what we were going to do was put it back on the truck. I was skeptical, but one has to humor one's spouse (chapter one of my book!) and so I helped him lift it. When it was on the truck once more, he pulled out a drill and turned to me, "Hannah, find me some wood." It was at this point I realized that I had married well. We then procceded to patch and reattach the frame. About halfway through I looked at Alex apologetically, "I'm sorry. But I have to stop and take some pictures."
He looked at me with understanding in his eyes. "I know you do babe. I know you do." And I did.

Between the 10 and the 5

Basically MacGuyver.

Him: Ok, I need you to hammer the posts in while I hold them steady.
Me: TAKE A PICTURE!

About half of the stuff that fell, the other half was on the other side of the freeway.

When all was said and done, we recovered almost everything. We lost a box of books, a box of toiletries, a microwave and a toaster. But what we lost in possessions, we more than made up for in a good story.

Stay tuned next time when we meet Paul Bunyan!

FAQ About My Upcoming Wedding:

When is the big day???

June 13th!!!

Oh, isn't that a Monday?

Yes, yes it is.

How come you're getting married then?

Alex is taking is med school boards on June 10th (a Friday),and then he starts his rotations on June 20th. Getting married the day after the boards seemed like a bad idea, and we wanted as much time as possible to honeymoon/move to Washington.

Wait, you're moving to Washington???

Right??? Alex's school has a northwest track, and homeboy is on it...so Tacoma, Washington, here we come!

So, boards, wedding, honeymoon, moving...all in one week. doesn't that seem...um...busy?

Yes, yes it does.

Well, where is the wedding going to be?

In Claremont! At a place called: "The Bromansion". That's french for my bros live there.

You're getting married in a house where five twentysomething guys live? Is that wise?

First of all, I don't care for the tone of that question, McJudgy. Secondly, I don't recall mentioning the five twentysomethings...are you psychic?

No, I'm not a real person...you're the one writing this.

Agree to disagree.

Let's just change the subject. What kind of food are you having?

Taco truck.

...Really?

Yes.

What kind of cake are you having?

Funfetti.

What are your colors?

I'm not having "colors" per se.

Have you...have you ever been to a wedding?

I refuse to dignify that with a response.

Hipiversary!

Thirteen years ago today I had bilateral hip replacement surgery. Is that dramatic or what? You can imagine that it was something of a “to do” back in the day.

I had two great fears in approaching the operation. The first was the fact that after the surgery I would be confined to my bed for at least a week. Oh dear, this is still a bit delicate to discuss. Well, the thing is…oh fine. I’ll just say it. Bedpans. I was utterly horrified about the idea of using a bedpan. Several people had prepared me gently for this, nurses, doctors, a social worker or two. There was nothing to be embarrassed about, everyone was a professional, it would be no big deal, and it would simply have to be done at least for the first couple of days. Ha! I smiled and nodded politely when they discussed it with me, but privately I vowed I would never lower myself to that. My plan, as I recall, was simply to walk to the bathroom and use the toilet like an adult. I would be a marvel! Everyone would be stunned by my fortitude and resiliency! Really, all one needed was the proper motivation and one could accomplish anything. So yeah. That was my big plan. Just get up and walk! Problem solved. Oh Little Hannah. You are a treasure.

My other deep fear was the fact that I would be naked during the surgery. No, I’m not kidding. Of course in real life I was modestly draped, really entirely covered except for the portion they were working on, but I hadn’t watched a lot of surgery shows at that point, so how was I supposed to know? In my mind I imagined my body splayed out on the table for all the world to see. And by world I mean…doctors. Male doctors! I was terribly embarrassed about the whole thing. As any self respecting self conscious fourteen year old should be.

During the pre-op appointment, I sat with my doctor wearing nothing but a gown and a little robe thing. My doctor wanted to draw lines on my hips to mark wear the incisions would be, but before lifting my gown asked me if I was wearing underwear. Internally I was kicking myself for casting my undies aside prematurely, while outside I was trying to play it cool, all: “Who me? No I never wear underwear. What am I a nerd?” It was a little traumatic. Poor Little Hannah.

In retrospect it is possible that I was nervous about the wrong things. I do remember a couple of times trying to drum up a little fear of oh, I don’t know, dying. But it never felt real. I definitely enjoyed the sense of drama it gave me, but I was never really scared of dying, or of pain, or of any of it really. My fear was basically limited to going to the bathroom, and people seeing my nuddy-self.

I like to give past Hannah a hard time. I blame her for a lot of my current problems. Like, if past-Hannah had dealt with her email, I wouldn’t have 48 unanswered emails in my inbox right now! And if past-Hannah had just applied herself a little, I could be a lawyer or a doctor or a trophy wife by now. And really past-Hannah…are all of those brownies necessary?

But in this particular matter, I look back at past-Hannah with a little bit of awe. Because you see, what fourteen year old Hannah did, was something that twenty-seven year old Hannah would have a much harder time with. If I had to make that choice now, I would be pouring over outcomes and googling horror stories, convincing myself they were all about to happen to me. Man, what a gift that was. If I hadn’t done that surgery, I would most likely be in a wheelchair right now. It’s kind of stunning when I think back on things I could not do for before that surgery. I mean, things like walking around school, yes. But also truly basic things, like getting up off the floor by myself. Imagine having to ask someone to lift you every time you tried to stand. I don’t even think about it anymore. My life is so different than what it was, and what it could have been—and you will have to excuse me for getting a little schmaltzy for moment, but I am so, so grateful to the fourteen year old me who went through the hard part, so current me could reap the benefits. (And, you know. I guess the surgeons helped a little too.)

So, happy hipiversary to me I guess! I always feel like I should throw a hula party or something to commemorate, but in the meantime, feel free to swivel your hips in general celebration.

Yes it's February Second, but Here's that End of Year Survey Anyway.

Oh I do love a good survey. That's not really true, but I keep doing this one anyway...I actually wrote this back at the end of December, but then promptly forgot about it. I'm posting it now anyway, because the Mormon in me appreciates the journalistic value...but please don't feel obligated to read it. Hearts!

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

I got a masters degree.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Last year I wrote a fear list. Twelve things I have always wanted to do, but have been too afraid to do. My goal was to do one a month till they were all crossed off, I did five of them. But I really enjoyed doing that, and I think I’ll probably do something similar this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Hooboy, was this ever a banner year for Haynie births! Megan, Diana, Maria and Sarah all had babies.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, halleluiah.

5. What countries did you visit?

I am officially hereby changing this question forever. It will now read:

5. What trips did you take?

This was the year of fabulous beach vacations for me. In April I went to San Francisco, In May I went to Catalina, and in July I went to fabulous Oahu and Maui! On the non-beach front I also spent Thanksgiving in Delta, Utah (with a side trip to Provo to see the Bangerters), and I am currently in Idaho, where I wear a daily minimum of two pairs of pants, much to the amusement of my hosts. Ooh! And we spent the day in Wyoming. So. You know. Add that to the list.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Probably a new car…my beloved Betty stopped working in, oh, I don’t know…January? It’s probably time to get on that.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

The day I got my job.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Obvious.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Nanowrimo yet again. But I can’t even feel bad about it…I wrote thirty pages and I’m still working on it. Excitement!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Same old same old.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Mah Kindle. L-U-V LOVE.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My friends, who consistently give me opportunities to dress up

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

You know, I quite like myself, and generally enjoy being me. But whenever I see this question the things that pop into mind are my own mistakes, character flaws and missteps. I think I appall and depress myself more than anyone I can think of. But fortunately my strengths, talents, and artistic abilities help me see that there is change, there is balance, and there is forgiveness.

14. Where did most of your money go?

For the last time I will have to say: Cal State LA!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The gaga party, Club 33, the release of Mocking Jay,

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Is it too sad to put Bad Romance down? I mean I KNOW! Unoriginal. But seriously, I sang that song soooo much this year. It’s got to be Gaga.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier.
b) thinner or fatter? Deffo fatter.
c) richer or poorer? Eh, richer, but considering I had a salary of zero last year that is not saying much.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Read books, read my scriptures, doing chores on time, laughing

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Reading blogs, being online, procrastinating,

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Christmas Eve I spent with my family eating dinner, cracking crackers, wearing paper crowns, and watching pugs play with each other in the living room. Christmas morning we opened presents with the fam, and then Alex and I jumped in the car and drove all the way to Idaho to spend the week with his family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?

Why yes I did.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

I guess 30 Rock and Community. No good dramas at the moment, que lastima.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Dumb question, I’m deleting it after this year.

24. What was the best book you read?

Mocking Jay, Watership Down, Cold Mountain and The Help were all great reads.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I honestly didn’t have one. I’m terrible at discovering music. Maybe I’ll make musical discovery a resolution for 2011.

26. What did you want and get?

A job, a degree, a boyfriend and a trip to Hawaii.

27. What did you want and not get?

Honestly, I got so many things in this last year that to answer this question feels a little ungrateful and Veruca Saltesque. But you know, if we’re going with it…a car.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Toy Story 3, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, Inception and True Grit. [Edit: I didn't see The King's Speech until after New Years]

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I went to a luau in Oahu, and I turned 27.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Is it crass if I just blatantly say more money? You know what? That doesn’t even matter. This year was incredibly satisfying. No additions needed.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Pencil skirts at work, skinny jeans for play.

32. What kept you sane?

Friends. Forever and Always. Which I’m pretty sure is the title of Justin Bieber’s memoir, but there you go.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I’m having a real Neal Patrick Harris phase

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

I very consciously spent most of this year not getting stirred by political issues. I hid everyone in my facebook stream who often writes politically charged updates, and kind of stopped listening to or reading the news. I’m much less informed but also significantly more cheerful about politics in general. In the new year I’m going to start adding the news back in, but I think I’ll try to keep my political angst to a minimum. And I’ll just say, facebook is not the place for politics…oh no it is not.

35. Who did you miss?

Bianca, who kept fleeing for rotations.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

This Guy.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

Leaps of faith are hard…but you can end up some really good places when you make them./Sometimes I am sappy.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I might get rid of this question too. Mostly cause I can never answer it.

Happy New Year! [One month late.]